... but, what is in it for me?

A good friend of mine told me yesterday that I am too nice. He said, you should be a little harder, don't you always agree on doing everything. And he has a point. I don't know how to use the word "No". And I have the feeling that when I sometimes say no, people get very very offended. This is kind of a huge problem, the not saying no thing. I agree on doing so many things that usually in the end I am in trouble myself, and I put off some of those things that I really would like to do just for myself. And people don't like me either when I am too stressed. I don't like myself. It is funny how one feels the stress in your whole body, although your head says it is not that bad. You can still do some 20 things more.

But I said no last week. And it was a huge relief (the fact that I had more things that I could manage at that time is completely another thing). The other problem is that the thing I said no to was something I would have done only for myself. But. I don't think that in the end it would have made me happy. And the fact that I actually said no only for the reason to protect myself is great. My initial response to the suggestion was also no, but that no came from somewhere else, it was because I was thinking of other people. Anyway, in the end I managed to be a little selfish, and I am almost a little proud of that. Even though there would have been something in it for me as well :) at least in the beginning. And in the end probably yet another broken heart.

So, here I am. Way too nice according to some, a know it all according to others (even a bitchy one every now and then when I have been to nice before and am neck high in poo). I have quite a few friends. I have a phone full of numbers. Some of which I know that I can call at any time. Some of which that I even feel that I can call at any time. All of them phone numbers to great people. They are great people, but none the less someone every now and then manages to hurt me a lot. Probably not because they want to, but because of ignorance.

I always want to listen to everyone. But sometimes it can become a little too much. Like for example when someone I care about a lot, someone that I even might have had a crush on opens up to me - about how bad it feels that he doesn't have a girlfriend, or about how much trouble he has with a new girl. Or by asking me for someones phone number. Or by telling me about all their problems without even once asking me how are you today. Of course I'll always help them, and usually I give quite good advice. Quite often I am the girl before the one, partly because of all those hours we have discussed life. And that makes me super happy.

But sometimes I wonder, what is in it for me? I can't live my whole life through other people. And I should really be bitchy and proud of it. But I can't. I love people. I love people's stories. And I feel good if I can help. But the people I love the most are those that I feel that I can call and just cry in the phone and that I know feels the same about me.

Chaos

Chaotic, that is the impression I have about this week. It has been one of those weeks you actually wish you didn't wake up on. An extremely long Monday, except for the fact that I like Mondays. 

Yesterday, I had the hope that today I could proudly say that I managed to fix my car. All by myself. I only had to change the battery. It is supposed to be easy. But, there was one problem, the bult/screw/something that holds the battery in place had rusted. And it was impossible to move. I guess that I am screwed. This after a week that basically has been the most unnecessary week in my life with so much time spent on stupid things. Anyway, I fell a sleep with my clothes on, woke up at 5 am after dreaming about screws and parasites. Managed to fall a sleep again at about 7.. and of course I overslept and now I have to write an essay cause I missed my class in the morning. I just love this week. And it just makes me wonder, what comes next?

At tomorrow is off. Originally I had planned to work, but after this week I don't dare.

What a week..

.. and it is only Wednesday. But I can tell each and everyone who is willing to listen that I am looking forward to eastern, and this year I am happy that Jesus died on a Friday so that I'll get an extra day off. It is quite impolite and insensitive to say that you are happy that someone has died, but on the other hand, the whole religion is based on that fact.

Talking about that, I've been thinking a lot about religion lately. Especially after the outcome of last weeks elections. I believe in something, but I have no idea what that is. And I actually think that religion is kind of a good thing. The bible is a good book, if you don't overanalyze it. I mean, telling someone to treat someone else as you want to be treated yourself is a nice thing.  Don't steal is a good advise. In the end, all the different belief systems are based on the same thing, be good to people around you. I don't find a huge difference between them. So I don't understand why people should go around and kill others in the name of some religion. It is just stupidity, and there is usually something else behind it. Like power.

What I don't like about religion is that people can interpret some very very old books in such very weird ways. Another thing I don't like are those that try to force something on you. I am always willing to discuss, but please, let people have their own beliefs and let them live their life as they want to. Of course it is better if everyone at least tries something else, so that they can tell for sure that that is what they want to do. Believe what you want, but please, let everyone else as well believe what they want. And think about it, in the end everyone wants more or less the same.

Hmm, I never thought I would discuss religion. I guess I am just so exhausted, and happy that we will have some days off. I will send a thankful thought to someone on Friday, and on Monday I will be back in business.

Restless

I am restless. Very, very restless. Restless beyond all recognition. Can't something happen now?? At this very moment every minute feels like an hour, at the same time as every hour just flies by, the real hour that is. Why is time so weird? Why does time keep playing games on me?

Hmm, there are some sea gulls copulating on the rooftop on the other side of the street. I wouldn't mind being a bird. Imagine how it would feel. How it would feel to fly (I am not talking about sex anymore, if you somehow misunderstood that ;-p ). Anyway, I should return to my book. And after that I'll drink some sparkling wine. Just because I can.

Update: My neuropsychology book is also discussing copulating...

En vecka

Så går en dag vecka ur mitt liv, och kommer aldrig åter. 


Det är fredag igen. Varje fredag kommer den där frågan/känslan: "Vad, är det fredag IGEN?". Förr levde jag dag för dag, nuförtiden känns det som om det som förr var en vecka nu har krympt till en dag, eller expanderat. Inte vet jag riktigt hur jag ska se på den saken. Det jag vet med säkerhet är att veckorna bara flyger förbi, och med dem flyger också månaderna.

Jag har inte riktigt kontroll mera, över tiden alltså, allt annat känns nästan för kontrollerat. Jag jobbar, jag studerar och jag umgås med folk. Allt annat blir det tillräckligt av, förutom jobbet. Jag känner att jag inte hinner jobba. Det är galenskap. Hur mycket jag än älskar mina studier så är jag glad att det blir en liten paus nu snart. Bara tre tenter, två uppsatser, ett projekt och en statistikhemtentamen kvar och så är det sommar. I sommar ska jag jobba. Och var inte oroliga, jag ska nog ta semester också.

A (a)typical day in the lab

My cells have stopped growing, just like that. At this very moment when I really need them to grow, I want them to grow, I urge them to grow. What do they do? Of course they stop dividing! They haven't divided once since last Wednesday. I had so promising results and I just wanted to confirm them, but no, my cells just take a vacation.. Don't they get the fact that I love them, okay I hate them at the moment. Or perhaps not hate but really, really dislike them. Or perhaps I am really indifferent to them. Or annoyed. I cannot make up my mind. I am everything at once.

This don't only apply to my lovely WI38 human diploid lung fibroblasts but also to other parts of life when they don't behave as I want them to.. Don't they get that I care about them? (okay, these are cells, they do not have feelings, they are like amoebas, except for the fact that they don't move. They just sit there, not dividing, not dying, not moving, just being indifferent. Hmm. Sounds familiar..

En sak ännu..

En liten sak ännu. Jag ler, jag jobbar, jag skrattar, jag tycker att konstiga artiklar om fertilitet och strippors lön är roande, jag äter för mycket choko, jag äter, jag andas. Trots allt detta sörjer jag, hade jag möjligheten skulle jag ligga under täcket en vecka. Ja, helst skulle jag varken se eller tala med någon. Eller en del av mig, den andra delen vill ut och festa, jobba ihjäl mig, studera tills jag stupar, tala med människor tills trumhinnan spricker. Jag är ambivalent. Det är så jag hanterar det här. För så länge jag är borta hemifrån kan jag inte gråta, det är skönt. Jag förtränger, men det betyder INTE att det är okej att säga precis vad som helst åt mig. Som att gå ut och skaffa en karl åt dig.

Ett direkt mått på mitt mående är om jag städar.. jag kan berätta att jag inte städar just nu.