Biocity today

Today work went much better. I even got one nice result. I really believe in power of last minute panic. So, I did too more experiments today. I hope that I'll finish them before Sunday. That is the deadline. On Monday all the figures for the conference have to be ready. Somehow I believe that I'll manage.. :) That is comforting. So now, when it is almost midnight I am still in BioCity working. I have Tequila with me, she does not really like this place.

Anyway, although I really trust that things always work out I am soon starting to loose all hope when it comes to my private life. Yes, I am doing fine, I am happy, things are good but some evenings, like today, I really would like to have someone to come home to. Or a very good reason to not stay so late at work. Even though I recognize the risk that I would be very annoyed if someone would tell me to come home right now.. So perhaps everything is at it should be. I just wish I had someone to go on holiday with :) even though it is nice to read a good book as well. And I have to write two essays on my vacation (unless I manage to do it next week), apply for one grant and write one report. I could also work a little, just because I have so great results and I really do love working the night through. But I'll take that break, because I know that I'll need it (but I'll read some Psychology books anyway, just because I want to). Stubborn workaholic.

Catastrophe

There are different kinds of days, those that everything runs smoothly and those days when you do not even recognize yourself. Yesterday was one of the latter.

It started in the morning, and I should have known already then that I should just stay in bed. And to be true to you, that was kind of what I wanted to. I could not manage to get to work before 10.30. When I finally arrived all the disasters started to happen. I was miss scatter brain. Me, the person that is always on top of everything. The person that can manage 15 different things at the same time without any problems could not even boil water without burning it. The weirdest thing is that I did it twice. I also forgot to remove some essential parts from my gels as well, something that merely destroyed my last shot for a perfect figure before next week's conference. When I tried to get water and forgot to put the graduated cylinder beneath the tap, something that resulted in about half a liter of water on the floor I almost started to cry, but then I decided to laugh hysterically instead. The rest of the day the only thing my student had to do was to look after me. And at about 4pm I had managed to pull myself together, at least that is what I hope... I will find out when I go back to work.

I hope the building is still where it is supposed to be.

PS At the pub quiz we lost by 0,5 points...

Tequila

Here I am again sitting with Tequila on my side. I love her so much. She turned 16 a week ago, that scares me. I am not sure what a life without Tequila would be. Lately we have been enjoying the summer. 

I love the colours. The greens and blues and the warm sun. I am still amazed how much colour everything has. I am not sure wether I have not been able to see it the past years or if the long winter made me forget about it. But I am grateful that I can experience and enjoy all the feelings the warm summer breeze, the birds' song, the smell of grass, the gravel under my feet and especially the colours awake in me. How can someone forget about this? 

It has been a very long and tough winter, but now it is over. Now I am enjoying the summer with my dearest Tequila. I am working my ass off, but I don't care because at this very moment I want to do it. In three weeks I'll have vacation. It feels like it is coming a little too soon, and that is i a little too long. But I am sure that it won't feel like that in a couple of weeks. Life is good at the moment, and I intend to keep it like that.

The feeling of today

I let the song "Jag kan inte skilja på" by Melissa Horn describe my feelings today.. it kind of nails it.

Det är dags att tänka efter 
och jag vill inte följa med 
det har regnat hela sommaren 
och jag känner med det 

Jag ville vänta tills du frågade 
och du frågade tillslut 
jag hörde sånger i mitt huvud 
men dom kom aldrig ut 

Jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill vinna dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill va med dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill bli av med dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill skada dig 
men du om nån borde förstå 
att man inte gör såhär mot mig 

Du ville prata häromdagen 
och helt plötsligt blev det tyst 
jag undrar vad som hände 
vi som skrattade nyss 

Nu tror du säkert att jag hoppas 
på nåt som aldrig ska bli av 
men jag har aldrig lyssnat när du lovat 
aldrig ställt några krav 

Jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill vinna dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill va med dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill bli av med dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill skada dig 
men du om nån borde förstå 
att man inte gör såhär mot mig 

Vi tar en paus och lämnar rummet 
och nu släpper du min hand 
på varsin sida av vägen 
som en främling för varann 

Jag vet precis vad du känner 
fast du aldrig sagt ett ord 
du har viljan att bli större 
här är du redan stor 

Jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill vinna dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill va med dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill bli av med dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill skada dig 
men du om nån borde förstå 
att man inte gör såhär mot mig 

Another sunrise

Another morning. This one with Tequila at Kärringviken. We still had snow and ice back then, but it was peaceful.

Hate it when I can't sleep, but love my balcony

This is something completely new to me, at least since I got my new bed a couple of years ago. I can't sleep a whole night, which is quite effective, the problem is that I know exactly how grumpy I'll be after some hours or days.

But, I have found my remedy. My balcony. It is brilliant. I could sit here for hours and look at my neighbours, the sea gulls. We are becoming quite good friends. It is a brilliant place to contemplate life. And it is here where I two days ago found my "inner peace" again. It has been a stressing time. My body started to react (that probably explains the not sleeping). Here on my balcony I have found the harmony.. I just wonder when it will start to help me sleep again. On the other hand, that would mean no early mornings and late nights on the balcony.

There comes a point when you just accept things as they are. When they stop bothering you. That is when you stop thinking and start being. And that is what I am doing on my balcony. I am. You should try it as well.

... but, what is in it for me?

A good friend of mine told me yesterday that I am too nice. He said, you should be a little harder, don't you always agree on doing everything. And he has a point. I don't know how to use the word "No". And I have the feeling that when I sometimes say no, people get very very offended. This is kind of a huge problem, the not saying no thing. I agree on doing so many things that usually in the end I am in trouble myself, and I put off some of those things that I really would like to do just for myself. And people don't like me either when I am too stressed. I don't like myself. It is funny how one feels the stress in your whole body, although your head says it is not that bad. You can still do some 20 things more.

But I said no last week. And it was a huge relief (the fact that I had more things that I could manage at that time is completely another thing). The other problem is that the thing I said no to was something I would have done only for myself. But. I don't think that in the end it would have made me happy. And the fact that I actually said no only for the reason to protect myself is great. My initial response to the suggestion was also no, but that no came from somewhere else, it was because I was thinking of other people. Anyway, in the end I managed to be a little selfish, and I am almost a little proud of that. Even though there would have been something in it for me as well :) at least in the beginning. And in the end probably yet another broken heart.

So, here I am. Way too nice according to some, a know it all according to others (even a bitchy one every now and then when I have been to nice before and am neck high in poo). I have quite a few friends. I have a phone full of numbers. Some of which I know that I can call at any time. Some of which that I even feel that I can call at any time. All of them phone numbers to great people. They are great people, but none the less someone every now and then manages to hurt me a lot. Probably not because they want to, but because of ignorance.

I always want to listen to everyone. But sometimes it can become a little too much. Like for example when someone I care about a lot, someone that I even might have had a crush on opens up to me - about how bad it feels that he doesn't have a girlfriend, or about how much trouble he has with a new girl. Or by asking me for someones phone number. Or by telling me about all their problems without even once asking me how are you today. Of course I'll always help them, and usually I give quite good advice. Quite often I am the girl before the one, partly because of all those hours we have discussed life. And that makes me super happy.

But sometimes I wonder, what is in it for me? I can't live my whole life through other people. And I should really be bitchy and proud of it. But I can't. I love people. I love people's stories. And I feel good if I can help. But the people I love the most are those that I feel that I can call and just cry in the phone and that I know feels the same about me.

Chaos

Chaotic, that is the impression I have about this week. It has been one of those weeks you actually wish you didn't wake up on. An extremely long Monday, except for the fact that I like Mondays. 

Yesterday, I had the hope that today I could proudly say that I managed to fix my car. All by myself. I only had to change the battery. It is supposed to be easy. But, there was one problem, the bult/screw/something that holds the battery in place had rusted. And it was impossible to move. I guess that I am screwed. This after a week that basically has been the most unnecessary week in my life with so much time spent on stupid things. Anyway, I fell a sleep with my clothes on, woke up at 5 am after dreaming about screws and parasites. Managed to fall a sleep again at about 7.. and of course I overslept and now I have to write an essay cause I missed my class in the morning. I just love this week. And it just makes me wonder, what comes next?

At tomorrow is off. Originally I had planned to work, but after this week I don't dare.

What a week..

.. and it is only Wednesday. But I can tell each and everyone who is willing to listen that I am looking forward to eastern, and this year I am happy that Jesus died on a Friday so that I'll get an extra day off. It is quite impolite and insensitive to say that you are happy that someone has died, but on the other hand, the whole religion is based on that fact.

Talking about that, I've been thinking a lot about religion lately. Especially after the outcome of last weeks elections. I believe in something, but I have no idea what that is. And I actually think that religion is kind of a good thing. The bible is a good book, if you don't overanalyze it. I mean, telling someone to treat someone else as you want to be treated yourself is a nice thing.  Don't steal is a good advise. In the end, all the different belief systems are based on the same thing, be good to people around you. I don't find a huge difference between them. So I don't understand why people should go around and kill others in the name of some religion. It is just stupidity, and there is usually something else behind it. Like power.

What I don't like about religion is that people can interpret some very very old books in such very weird ways. Another thing I don't like are those that try to force something on you. I am always willing to discuss, but please, let people have their own beliefs and let them live their life as they want to. Of course it is better if everyone at least tries something else, so that they can tell for sure that that is what they want to do. Believe what you want, but please, let everyone else as well believe what they want. And think about it, in the end everyone wants more or less the same.

Hmm, I never thought I would discuss religion. I guess I am just so exhausted, and happy that we will have some days off. I will send a thankful thought to someone on Friday, and on Monday I will be back in business.

Restless

I am restless. Very, very restless. Restless beyond all recognition. Can't something happen now?? At this very moment every minute feels like an hour, at the same time as every hour just flies by, the real hour that is. Why is time so weird? Why does time keep playing games on me?

Hmm, there are some sea gulls copulating on the rooftop on the other side of the street. I wouldn't mind being a bird. Imagine how it would feel. How it would feel to fly (I am not talking about sex anymore, if you somehow misunderstood that ;-p ). Anyway, I should return to my book. And after that I'll drink some sparkling wine. Just because I can.

Update: My neuropsychology book is also discussing copulating...

En vecka

Så går en dag vecka ur mitt liv, och kommer aldrig åter. 


Det är fredag igen. Varje fredag kommer den där frågan/känslan: "Vad, är det fredag IGEN?". Förr levde jag dag för dag, nuförtiden känns det som om det som förr var en vecka nu har krympt till en dag, eller expanderat. Inte vet jag riktigt hur jag ska se på den saken. Det jag vet med säkerhet är att veckorna bara flyger förbi, och med dem flyger också månaderna.

Jag har inte riktigt kontroll mera, över tiden alltså, allt annat känns nästan för kontrollerat. Jag jobbar, jag studerar och jag umgås med folk. Allt annat blir det tillräckligt av, förutom jobbet. Jag känner att jag inte hinner jobba. Det är galenskap. Hur mycket jag än älskar mina studier så är jag glad att det blir en liten paus nu snart. Bara tre tenter, två uppsatser, ett projekt och en statistikhemtentamen kvar och så är det sommar. I sommar ska jag jobba. Och var inte oroliga, jag ska nog ta semester också.

A (a)typical day in the lab

My cells have stopped growing, just like that. At this very moment when I really need them to grow, I want them to grow, I urge them to grow. What do they do? Of course they stop dividing! They haven't divided once since last Wednesday. I had so promising results and I just wanted to confirm them, but no, my cells just take a vacation.. Don't they get the fact that I love them, okay I hate them at the moment. Or perhaps not hate but really, really dislike them. Or perhaps I am really indifferent to them. Or annoyed. I cannot make up my mind. I am everything at once.

This don't only apply to my lovely WI38 human diploid lung fibroblasts but also to other parts of life when they don't behave as I want them to.. Don't they get that I care about them? (okay, these are cells, they do not have feelings, they are like amoebas, except for the fact that they don't move. They just sit there, not dividing, not dying, not moving, just being indifferent. Hmm. Sounds familiar..

En sak ännu..

En liten sak ännu. Jag ler, jag jobbar, jag skrattar, jag tycker att konstiga artiklar om fertilitet och strippors lön är roande, jag äter för mycket choko, jag äter, jag andas. Trots allt detta sörjer jag, hade jag möjligheten skulle jag ligga under täcket en vecka. Ja, helst skulle jag varken se eller tala med någon. Eller en del av mig, den andra delen vill ut och festa, jobba ihjäl mig, studera tills jag stupar, tala med människor tills trumhinnan spricker. Jag är ambivalent. Det är så jag hanterar det här. För så länge jag är borta hemifrån kan jag inte gråta, det är skönt. Jag förtränger, men det betyder INTE att det är okej att säga precis vad som helst åt mig. Som att gå ut och skaffa en karl åt dig.

Ett direkt mått på mitt mående är om jag städar.. jag kan berätta att jag inte städar just nu.

Insåg också att jag aldrig berättade hur bra det var

Det var faktiskt strålande fint och perfekt här emellan, i hela två veckor. Alltså påriktigt. Jag var lycklig efter all bergochdalbana som det varit innan. På fredagen blev det sedan drama, drama är dåligt. Jag kände för mycket så ja. Nu är det bara att gå vidare. Hoppas jag lyckas den här gången (okej, sparka mig nu för jag vet inte om jag verkligen hoppas att jag ska kunna gå vidare --> då går man aldrig vidare).. Men jag antar att jag måste.. och jag vill nog. Jag måste göra allt nu för mig :)

It is over when it is over

Nu är det slut. Dags att satsa på mig själv igen. Känns inte särskilt bra. Vilken ironi att solen skiner och att i slutändan ville vi bägge samma sak. Nå, blir det obalans får man bara bryta upp och gå vidare.

Lat..

Jag har en lat dag idag.. jag spenderar så mycket tid med att känna mig lat att jag inte får något gjort. Det är också ett sätt att få dagen att gå XD Äh, kanske jag ska skärpa mig nu.

Tiden, igen

Angående mitt föregående inlägg om make it, or break it så insåg jag just att jag ju lovade mig själv att ta till vara på tiden bättre. Vet inte hur jag ska se på det här i det ljuset.. Slösar jag tid med att vänta eller borde jag inte hetsa fram något? Tror på det första..

Make it - or break it

Jag har en tendens att av någon underlig anledning sätta min födelsedag som gräns för en massa olika saker, eller okej, det är kanske inte en massa olika saker, det är relationer det är frågan om. Kärlek. Hur fint är det inte med bära eller brista passligt till valentine's day? Härtills har det alltid varit break it som har varit resultatet, och jag tänkte att jag ska inte göra det i år igen. I november konstaterade jag att hej, i år har jag ingen deadline på min födelsedag, wohooo, ingen risk för ångest alltså. Ha.. nu sitter jag här 7.1 och konstaterar att jag igen en gång har satt en deadline till den 14.2. Folk må säga vad de vill om deadlines, men för mig fungerar de ypperligt som piska/morot (iaf slipper jag fundera efter det). Det ska vara "considerable" framsteg tills dess, annars säger jag hej hej igen till fullständigt lyckliga glada singelliv med mycket jobb och studier (me like). Hmm, kanske jag borde flytta fram deadline till i morgon???

Nytt år

Jaa, vad kan man säga. Det här livet är en enda bergochdalbana. Den senaste veckan har jag gråtit mera än på ett halvår men också varit glad. Uppochned går humöret. Just nu är det lite nere. Allt pga en karl och julen. Jag tycker inte om julen, och inte tycker jag heller om att vara så otroligt påverkad  av en kille att han får mitt humör till botten på 3 sekunder. Eller tre dygn utan ett svar på mess. Men sedan mittiallt får man ett härligt samtal och så är man igen glad bara för att bli ledsen några dagar senare. Jag förstår INTE! Ring inte och var gullig för att sedan prata om att fara och spana och fråga inte sedan varför jag blev så ledsen mittiallt. Idioter, det är allt jag kan säga. Vad ska man göra nu då? Ragga upp en tonåring kanske? Synd att jag inte orkar gå till baren

Iaf gott nytt år.. det ska nog bli ett bra år.