Biocity today

Today work went much better. I even got one nice result. I really believe in power of last minute panic. So, I did too more experiments today. I hope that I'll finish them before Sunday. That is the deadline. On Monday all the figures for the conference have to be ready. Somehow I believe that I'll manage.. :) That is comforting. So now, when it is almost midnight I am still in BioCity working. I have Tequila with me, she does not really like this place.

Anyway, although I really trust that things always work out I am soon starting to loose all hope when it comes to my private life. Yes, I am doing fine, I am happy, things are good but some evenings, like today, I really would like to have someone to come home to. Or a very good reason to not stay so late at work. Even though I recognize the risk that I would be very annoyed if someone would tell me to come home right now.. So perhaps everything is at it should be. I just wish I had someone to go on holiday with :) even though it is nice to read a good book as well. And I have to write two essays on my vacation (unless I manage to do it next week), apply for one grant and write one report. I could also work a little, just because I have so great results and I really do love working the night through. But I'll take that break, because I know that I'll need it (but I'll read some Psychology books anyway, just because I want to). Stubborn workaholic.

Catastrophe

There are different kinds of days, those that everything runs smoothly and those days when you do not even recognize yourself. Yesterday was one of the latter.

It started in the morning, and I should have known already then that I should just stay in bed. And to be true to you, that was kind of what I wanted to. I could not manage to get to work before 10.30. When I finally arrived all the disasters started to happen. I was miss scatter brain. Me, the person that is always on top of everything. The person that can manage 15 different things at the same time without any problems could not even boil water without burning it. The weirdest thing is that I did it twice. I also forgot to remove some essential parts from my gels as well, something that merely destroyed my last shot for a perfect figure before next week's conference. When I tried to get water and forgot to put the graduated cylinder beneath the tap, something that resulted in about half a liter of water on the floor I almost started to cry, but then I decided to laugh hysterically instead. The rest of the day the only thing my student had to do was to look after me. And at about 4pm I had managed to pull myself together, at least that is what I hope... I will find out when I go back to work.

I hope the building is still where it is supposed to be.

PS At the pub quiz we lost by 0,5 points...

Tequila

Here I am again sitting with Tequila on my side. I love her so much. She turned 16 a week ago, that scares me. I am not sure what a life without Tequila would be. Lately we have been enjoying the summer. 

I love the colours. The greens and blues and the warm sun. I am still amazed how much colour everything has. I am not sure wether I have not been able to see it the past years or if the long winter made me forget about it. But I am grateful that I can experience and enjoy all the feelings the warm summer breeze, the birds' song, the smell of grass, the gravel under my feet and especially the colours awake in me. How can someone forget about this? 

It has been a very long and tough winter, but now it is over. Now I am enjoying the summer with my dearest Tequila. I am working my ass off, but I don't care because at this very moment I want to do it. In three weeks I'll have vacation. It feels like it is coming a little too soon, and that is i a little too long. But I am sure that it won't feel like that in a couple of weeks. Life is good at the moment, and I intend to keep it like that.

The feeling of today

I let the song "Jag kan inte skilja på" by Melissa Horn describe my feelings today.. it kind of nails it.

Det är dags att tänka efter 
och jag vill inte följa med 
det har regnat hela sommaren 
och jag känner med det 

Jag ville vänta tills du frågade 
och du frågade tillslut 
jag hörde sånger i mitt huvud 
men dom kom aldrig ut 

Jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill vinna dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill va med dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill bli av med dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill skada dig 
men du om nån borde förstå 
att man inte gör såhär mot mig 

Du ville prata häromdagen 
och helt plötsligt blev det tyst 
jag undrar vad som hände 
vi som skrattade nyss 

Nu tror du säkert att jag hoppas 
på nåt som aldrig ska bli av 
men jag har aldrig lyssnat när du lovat 
aldrig ställt några krav 

Jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill vinna dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill va med dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill bli av med dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill skada dig 
men du om nån borde förstå 
att man inte gör såhär mot mig 

Vi tar en paus och lämnar rummet 
och nu släpper du min hand 
på varsin sida av vägen 
som en främling för varann 

Jag vet precis vad du känner 
fast du aldrig sagt ett ord 
du har viljan att bli större 
här är du redan stor 

Jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill vinna dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill va med dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill bli av med dig 
jag kan inte skilja på om jag vill skada dig 
men du om nån borde förstå 
att man inte gör såhär mot mig 

Another sunrise

Another morning. This one with Tequila at Kärringviken. We still had snow and ice back then, but it was peaceful.

Hate it when I can't sleep, but love my balcony

This is something completely new to me, at least since I got my new bed a couple of years ago. I can't sleep a whole night, which is quite effective, the problem is that I know exactly how grumpy I'll be after some hours or days.

But, I have found my remedy. My balcony. It is brilliant. I could sit here for hours and look at my neighbours, the sea gulls. We are becoming quite good friends. It is a brilliant place to contemplate life. And it is here where I two days ago found my "inner peace" again. It has been a stressing time. My body started to react (that probably explains the not sleeping). Here on my balcony I have found the harmony.. I just wonder when it will start to help me sleep again. On the other hand, that would mean no early mornings and late nights on the balcony.

There comes a point when you just accept things as they are. When they stop bothering you. That is when you stop thinking and start being. And that is what I am doing on my balcony. I am. You should try it as well.

... but, what is in it for me?

A good friend of mine told me yesterday that I am too nice. He said, you should be a little harder, don't you always agree on doing everything. And he has a point. I don't know how to use the word "No". And I have the feeling that when I sometimes say no, people get very very offended. This is kind of a huge problem, the not saying no thing. I agree on doing so many things that usually in the end I am in trouble myself, and I put off some of those things that I really would like to do just for myself. And people don't like me either when I am too stressed. I don't like myself. It is funny how one feels the stress in your whole body, although your head says it is not that bad. You can still do some 20 things more.

But I said no last week. And it was a huge relief (the fact that I had more things that I could manage at that time is completely another thing). The other problem is that the thing I said no to was something I would have done only for myself. But. I don't think that in the end it would have made me happy. And the fact that I actually said no only for the reason to protect myself is great. My initial response to the suggestion was also no, but that no came from somewhere else, it was because I was thinking of other people. Anyway, in the end I managed to be a little selfish, and I am almost a little proud of that. Even though there would have been something in it for me as well :) at least in the beginning. And in the end probably yet another broken heart.

So, here I am. Way too nice according to some, a know it all according to others (even a bitchy one every now and then when I have been to nice before and am neck high in poo). I have quite a few friends. I have a phone full of numbers. Some of which I know that I can call at any time. Some of which that I even feel that I can call at any time. All of them phone numbers to great people. They are great people, but none the less someone every now and then manages to hurt me a lot. Probably not because they want to, but because of ignorance.

I always want to listen to everyone. But sometimes it can become a little too much. Like for example when someone I care about a lot, someone that I even might have had a crush on opens up to me - about how bad it feels that he doesn't have a girlfriend, or about how much trouble he has with a new girl. Or by asking me for someones phone number. Or by telling me about all their problems without even once asking me how are you today. Of course I'll always help them, and usually I give quite good advice. Quite often I am the girl before the one, partly because of all those hours we have discussed life. And that makes me super happy.

But sometimes I wonder, what is in it for me? I can't live my whole life through other people. And I should really be bitchy and proud of it. But I can't. I love people. I love people's stories. And I feel good if I can help. But the people I love the most are those that I feel that I can call and just cry in the phone and that I know feels the same about me.