and some days it is better to just not talk to anyone

Today seems to be one of those days.

I can't really handle it when people are grumpy, and in the end it seems like everything one says just leads to the wrong reaction. It is weird when the exact same question you asked the day before leads to a totally different reaction. Freud would probably have something to say about that. Interesting, should probably read something about that. However, when the fourth person during one day just has some issues, you know you better just go to bed, tomorrow is a new day.

(but in the end, the total of the month is still waaaay on plus :))

"Jag vet att väntan inte leder någonstans"

Vår Sista Dans Lyrics (Melissa Horn)

Jag vet vad som måste göras
Ändå sitter jag kvar här
Och det skrämmer mig att jag kan nå dig var du än är
Och om jag behöver förklara
Den skugga som vilar i tiden
Förstör inga minnen, du vill inte se mig såhär

Men jag vet att jag döljer en sanning
Att väntan inte leder någonstans
Jag vet att jag måste ta steget ur vår sista dans

Jag vet vad som måste göras
Ända sitter jag kvar här
I ett sista kapitel som jag har förälskat mig i
Jag försöker att strida mot känslan
Men den är rädd och den spelar ett spel nu
Jag får för mig att jag kan va kvar men vet inte hur

Men jag vet att jag döljer en sanning
Att väntan inte leder nånstans
Jag vet att måste ta steget ur vår sista dans

Jag vet vad som måste göras
Ändå ligger du kvar här
Och jag hoppas du sover, jag smeker dig lätt om din hals
Jag vill inte spara min längtan
Jag har tänkt men aldrig fått tala
Så feg att jag viskar du hör säkert ingenting alls

Men jag vet att jag döljer en sanning
Att väntan inte leder nånstans
Jag vet att jag måste ta steget ur vår sista dans

Ja, jag vet att jag döljer en sanning
Att väntan inte leder nånstans
Jag vet att jag måste ta steget ur vår sista dans

Älskling hör på, jag tar steget ur vår sista dans

Ibland känns det vemodigt, ibland känns det bra, och för det mesta, just nu iaf, är jag bara så överlycklig av att leva. 

"You look like crap"

I don't know how many times I have heard that during the last few weeks. Do I really look that bad? I don't know, but I do know that it is a little scary when someone you barely know comes asks you how you are cause you look really bad. Guess I should start to wear make up every day.

Okay, there also might be a reason for me looking like this. I simply have a couple of things too many to do. And I don't always have time to sleep as much as I would like to. I had planned my time so that it would be okay, I would get everything done. Then came some small small things that messed up my whole schedule. Some of them also tend to make me a little upset every now and then, and when I am upset it takes me a couple of therapy calls to my friends before I am calm enough to work or study again.

One thing I know for sure is that I thank God, the universe and all human beings that I am single at the moment. I have enough of all relationships by just listening to other people.

And well, if I really look like crap, that might just be a way for the "evolution" too keep me sane, and it won't last forever. People, just bare with it, so do I :)

Kiss.. and your tonsils will tell

I have this small small problem with my tonsils, they don't really like other people or too much party. There is this correlation of about .97 between swollen tonsils and an even minimal kiss (a confounding variable can however be the party and the alcohol intoxication that is usually associated with kissing some inappropriate people (inappropriate in that sense that my immune system hates them)). Anyway, the last three days I haven't been able to swallow. That is why I have been more or less sober the last three months and will be so the following three months as well, I like food too much.

Anyway to another thing. This morning I woke up totally happy (the first time after USA that I woke up before the alarm went off), until I realised that the tonsils are even worse today and on top of it all I had a stupid fever. I also looked out and cursed myself that I still didn't go an buy those rubber boots that have been on my checklist every autumn and spring for the last three years. Anyway, I decided to go to work to try to kill my cells (and thus let my steam out).. that walking part wasn't too easy, it was easier to swim. When I finally got to work my shoes were soaked. After giving my cells a heat shock, both the ones that my feet consist of and those that I work with I had to go to my psychology lecture. When a bus came and decided that I was way too dry I got a great idea. That was when I decided to move to a country where they have never even heard of snow, even better if they don't even have a word for snow in their language. After receiving a messege I decided that I wouldn't mind if they had arranged marriage in this country either, so that I would get rid of all romantic problems (even better if they also lack a word for that).

After texting that, and some more details about that specific country, to my friend I finally felt happy again. Thank good for people that allows me to let my steam out.

Sunday

Since yesterday was one of the most unproductive days in history I had to make it better today.. That didn't go too well, or at least it could have been better. But at least I finally unpacked my suitcase (I came home from New York 10 days ago so that is an achievement).

Yesterday was one of those days after that I didn't enjoy. I almost even had a hangover, and Mr Morkkis came to visit. The party at Friday was great and already when it started I knew that it will probably not end very well, the wine tasted too good and so did the tequila. Anyway, it was fun but there are one or two things that I could have left undone. Not anything too bad, just something that wasn't really necessary. So the morkkis and the almost hangover on Saturday were well-deserved.

Anyway, today has been a much better day even though I didn't get up before 11 am. I have cleaned, and unpacked.. and I just realized that I forgot to do the dishes, ups :-o Got to go and do that

The lab

I have to admit, before I didn't really like work, I loved doing experiments but the people seemed so distant so I didn't enjoy working. I have no idea what has changed, but nowadays I like coming to work just because of the simple reason that I want to see what people are up to today. Somehow everyone has become more relaxed.

But today it suddenly became a little too relaxed. I helped one of our technical assistants with his computer (am I the only one that sees something weird in that?). Since I apparently am a computer genious (wee, I know how to use Google) I fixed the problem in 2 minutes. He became very, very happy, called me darling and wanted to hug me and take me out for lunch. That is not really okay in my world.. I guess there would have been a chance that I'd thought it is somewhat okay if he would have been 30 years younger and 40 cm taller. But I guess he just tried to be nice.. and I got a chance to study the social exchange theory in real life and not only in the literature XD

The day after

Today has been one of those days, a day after a great night out. Some might say that it was a wasted day, and that is true in some aspects. My productivity in the lab today was close to 0, but who really cares about that? The truth is that I love these days (or I do it today, tomorrow might be another story), and I have missed them. 

These are the days when my brain works in mysterious ways. I don't suffer from a hangover, I just have a relaxed brain. A brain that thinks outside the box. Sometimes I get great ideas, sometimes they are just crazy and sometimes they are just good. Today was one of those days that I was just slacking the whole day, no great ideas, no nothing. Just me giggling at myself, enjoying life and doing some introspection. The fact that we had bubbles at work didn't make the day worse either.

The fact that I was more or less sober in the bar yesterday when I did all the uggly dance moves just makes everything even better.. So no tequila for me yesterday, just life