... but, what is in it for me?

A good friend of mine told me yesterday that I am too nice. He said, you should be a little harder, don't you always agree on doing everything. And he has a point. I don't know how to use the word "No". And I have the feeling that when I sometimes say no, people get very very offended. This is kind of a huge problem, the not saying no thing. I agree on doing so many things that usually in the end I am in trouble myself, and I put off some of those things that I really would like to do just for myself. And people don't like me either when I am too stressed. I don't like myself. It is funny how one feels the stress in your whole body, although your head says it is not that bad. You can still do some 20 things more.

But I said no last week. And it was a huge relief (the fact that I had more things that I could manage at that time is completely another thing). The other problem is that the thing I said no to was something I would have done only for myself. But. I don't think that in the end it would have made me happy. And the fact that I actually said no only for the reason to protect myself is great. My initial response to the suggestion was also no, but that no came from somewhere else, it was because I was thinking of other people. Anyway, in the end I managed to be a little selfish, and I am almost a little proud of that. Even though there would have been something in it for me as well :) at least in the beginning. And in the end probably yet another broken heart.

So, here I am. Way too nice according to some, a know it all according to others (even a bitchy one every now and then when I have been to nice before and am neck high in poo). I have quite a few friends. I have a phone full of numbers. Some of which I know that I can call at any time. Some of which that I even feel that I can call at any time. All of them phone numbers to great people. They are great people, but none the less someone every now and then manages to hurt me a lot. Probably not because they want to, but because of ignorance.

I always want to listen to everyone. But sometimes it can become a little too much. Like for example when someone I care about a lot, someone that I even might have had a crush on opens up to me - about how bad it feels that he doesn't have a girlfriend, or about how much trouble he has with a new girl. Or by asking me for someones phone number. Or by telling me about all their problems without even once asking me how are you today. Of course I'll always help them, and usually I give quite good advice. Quite often I am the girl before the one, partly because of all those hours we have discussed life. And that makes me super happy.

But sometimes I wonder, what is in it for me? I can't live my whole life through other people. And I should really be bitchy and proud of it. But I can't. I love people. I love people's stories. And I feel good if I can help. But the people I love the most are those that I feel that I can call and just cry in the phone and that I know feels the same about me.